Why X-Men Origins: Wolverine REALLY Annoyed Me

This is my first topic because it is freshest in my mind and because it was what first really made me want to start a blog. Now, I did not hate X-Men Origins. I had a good time at the theater. Of course, that was largely due to being able to go with a group of friends and openly mock the movie. I love making fun of bad movies and shows (Mystery Science Theater is a favorite show of mine) and I generally keep up a running commentary with my friends when we watch TV/movies.

So I had a decent time at the movie. I wasn't expecting magic. The first three X-Men movies were equally disappointing so I knew what to expect. But after the movie was over and I was headed home I had time to reflect on what REALLY annoyed me with X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

1) Stupid-Ass Nickname Origins

Hey, did you know that Wolverine is named Wolverine because he was inspired by some stupid Aborigine legend his fake-girlfriend told him about the Wolverine pining for some lost love he can never see again? Yeah, me either. Because that's NOT WHY! Look, Wolverine is named Wolverine because he has a reputation for ferocity and strength out of proportion to his size. Like the Wolverine! Get it! Guh, stupid movie. Don't throw in crap like that to provide foreshadowing for when Sabertooth "kills" Wolverine's girlfriend.

Also, in the movie Gambit gets his nickname because he apparently beats all the security guards at poker. I'm sorry, when did the word gambit come to mean someone who beats people in poker? In fact:

"gambit n. 1. A chess opening in which a minor piece is offered in exchange for a favorable position. 2. A maneuver or ploy. 3. A remark intended to open a conversation." -The American Heritage Dictionary, 4th edition

So, there. Also, Gambit is the type of guy to already have a bad-ass nickname. He doesn't need one picked out for him by the security guards while he's being experimented on by the evil scientist. Anyway, speaking of Gambit...

2) What the HELL happened to Gambit's powers?
"Gambit has the ability to tap into the potential energy contained within an object and transform it into kinetic energy...the object releases this energy explosively on impact." - X-Men: The Ultimate Guide, 3rd edition

So, basically, he touches an object, charges the kinetic energy, throws it and BOOM. However, in the movie he also apparently has telekinesis because he's making the cards soar all over the place. Now, granted, Gambit is adept at card throwing and uses fancy card-throwing tricks for most of his attacks. However, this went beyond that and was silly.

Also, there's this weird part where he strikes his bo staff on the ground and causes a pulse to rip up the street. Once again, he is known for using his bo staff but only to the extent that he is good at fighting with a staff. He'd never charge the staff with his powers (what I assume the movie was trying to portray) because it would, y'know, BLOW UP IN HIS FACE.

3) The Blob

My first thought when I saw the Blob in the trailers was, "Oh, no! Someone robbed the Austin Powers wardrobe closet!" Yeah, Fatt Bastard lives again. The problem with that is that the Blob in the comics is a very smooth fat person. Like a perfectly-shaped ball. Whereas the blob in the movie is a warty, hairy, nasty fat person. I prefer the comic one. Know what would have been better? CGI Blob. Yeah, not great but better.

Also, Blob was blobby since his powers first appeared. (Puberty, like all mutants.) He wasn't a muscle-bound beefcake who let himself go. And (this should have been in 1, but whatever) Blob because he misheard Wolverine saying Bub? Puh-leaze.

4) Really Bad CGI

This is 2009. We have seen movies like Jurassic Park, Star Wars, The Dark Knight. We have seen incredible breakthroughs in bringing realism to the most impossible of situations. So what excuse is there for the CGI in X-Men Origins?

Wolverine's claws are ridiculously bad. The bathroom scene stands out in particular. The explosions, the lab scenes, Deadpool? The trick to good CGI is to make it look like it isn't CGI. The textures should flow seemlessly into the background. The CGI looked half-finished. Maybe the theater I went to got the version that was leaked on the internet...

5) Speaking of Deadpool...

Deadpool is definitely a fan favorite. The guy is insane (and insanely awesome!) The dialogue and jokes with Deadpool are priceless. I was actually hopeful about Deadpool because he was being played by Ryan Reynolds. Reynolds isn't a particularly favored actor of mine but his acting style is very Deadpool. So, I was excited but that excitement was obliterated when they completely fucked Deadpool over.

First, when he officially becomes Deadpool, they take away his ability to talk! Oh, brilliant! Take away the coolest thing about Deadpool (his stream-of-conciousness blathering) to make some stupid tie-in joke to a line from the beginning of the movie!

They also, completely fuck up his backstory. Taking away his willingness to be tested on so he could cure his cancer, his ugliness being due to that cancer, and his name origin. (I guess that should maybe in 1 too but I put it here because this is the Deadpool section. ^^) Of course, they did have to change up his name origin because they changed up his backstory so much.

And katanas coming out of his hands like Wolverine's claws is dumb.

6) Accents

Where was Gambit's super sexy, heavy cajun accent? I love his cajun accent and the actor barely even had a charming Southern accent! Also, Stryker should have had a Southern accent because the Stryker character clearly has a Southern accent in X2. Is it that hard to find an actor with a Southern accent? It's not like the guy playing Stryker was a big name they had to have.

7) What a Twist! (Oops, I mean Twit...)
Seriously, did anyone not see the betrayal of Wolverine's fake-girlfriend, Silverfox? I knew it was coming as soon as she revealed herself to be a mutant during the fight between Wolverine and the guy with the truck. This was compounded by the fact that Wolverine couldn't tell she was a mutant. (Dude, your girl's pretty. But she's not so hot she can calm down an angry trucker just by staring at him imploringly. Clearly something's up.)

8) Emma Frost is Silverfox's Sister?

How does that work? The girl who can turn her skin into diamond is clearly Emma Frost. That's one of her powers! Plus the girl matches Emma's discription. So, how the hell is she Silverfox's sister? Maybe Silverfox is her married name. I'd buy that. However, further confusing me is the fact that the credits list a Dr. Frost. Um, what? The only doctors are the one's experimenting on the mutants. Is one of Emma's parents experimenting on her? Is it a coincidence? What is going on?

9) The Clip They Showed at the End of the Movie

Apparently, there are three different clips that play after the credits. The one you get depends on the theater you were at. I wanted the Deadpool one but I got a lame one of Wolverine in some bar in Asia. Japan, I guess, I dunno.

Anyway, he's drinking and the barmaid asks, "Are you drinking to help you forget?" And Wolverine says, "No, I'm drinking to help me remember." That line was so predictable I actually said it along with him. That line is also monumentally ridiculous. Yeah, Wolverine? Um, booze does not work that way. Sorry.

Which brings me to...

10) Adamantium Bullets...Really?

That was really dumb. Mind-numbingly dumb. Makes-me-wanna-cry dumb. Stryker is going to erase Wolverine's memories by shooting him in the head with adamantium bullets. The only metal strong enough to penetrate his adamantium-plated skull. Wow.

"But wait!" says random lackey, "Won't his brain heal?"

"Yes," says Stryker, "but his memories won't grow back."

Okay, Stryker, the brain is a very delicate organ. You can't just shoot a guy randomly in the head and magically get rid of only the memories you want to get rid of. But sure enough, Wolverine wakes up after being shot in the head with no recollection of anything but still remembers how to walk, talk, etc. Ugh, whatever!

Yeah, this movie was very annoying. Luckily, the so much better animated X-Men series from the 90s is now available on DVD. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch something that won't make me pull my hair out in frustration.